Twilight Comedy
by gracattack
Summary: Funny extracts from fanfcitions. Some funnier that others. Send me a message if you want me to put one in. The more the better. T rating just in case. I change font when a different story so it goes bold, normal, bold, normal.
1. Chapter 1

"Oh silly Edward, vampires can't sleep, this is really happening" Emmett said trying to be reassuring, he thought he was helping.

**We all turned our heads to look out the windows at the vending machines. There stood a line of people with Emmett at the front. It looked as if he was buying everything the machine had to offer. On the ground beside him was a colorful pile of snacks.**

**"He's going to buy everything they have!" Edward said.**

**We then saw a little boy behind Emmett start to cry to his mom.**

**"Can he hurry momma? I want my skittles!" he wailed.**

**Just then we saw Emmett turn around to speak to the boy and his mother.**

**"Patience, young grasshopper!" He yelled at the small child.**

**This made the child just scream and cry louder.**

I wonder what is up. The last family meeting we had was when somehow Emmett managed to put a gigantic hole in the living room floor and covered it up with an area rug. He then sat the couch over it and the couch ended up falling through when Carlisle and Esme sat on it. Another one of his plans gone bad, obviously

**He could hear Emmett in the background asking Rose, "Dose a bloody Mary actually have blood in it?" 'Well at least Jessica isn't the stupidest one hear' Edward thought.**

**"Hey Emmett, why does your wig look all wet and smell like puke?" Rose asked.**

**"Um…that doesn't matter….lets get back to the game." Emmett said getting up.**

**"When you were puking you dropped it in the toilet didn't you?" Alice asked.**

**"Um…maybe….."**

**"Emmett! I paid good money for that wig!" Alice said chasing him outside.**

"See Esme, and you thought we were crazy." Emmett said laughing.

"You should invite the wolfs more often…they make you look normal" Esme noted

**"Wow, Emmett actually said something smart….Alice did you catch that on tape?" Bella asked.**

**"Yup, we tape all of Emmett's smart moments…" Alice said.**

**"That must be a very short tape." Jacob laughed.**

**"Hey, I have my moments!" Emmett yelled.**

"Um….sure." Carlisle said taking out the roll of tape from in the bush.

"Why the Hell is there a role of tape in that bush?" Bella asked Edward.

"Um….we keep a lot of things outside", was his only answer.

**"Seth…he's made of cardboard, he doesn't breath." Emmett said.**

**"Wow Emmett, two smart things in a row." Alice said giving him a high five.**

**"Yup, I'm on a role." Emmett said smiling at himself with pride**.

"Seth what the hell is wrong with you, Barney is awesome!" Emmett yelled.

**"I do not scare children….when they see me there happy." Emmett argued.**

**"Oh yah well what about when we were at the mall last week and you saw those little children in the bouncy house and started jumping with them and they screamed mommy, oh my God the big crazy mans going to kill us." Jasper said.**

**"Oh those children just had a problem; I don't know what was wrong with them."**

**"Well you did start hitting them with balls from the ball pit."**

**"Hey the other kids were doing it….."**

**"Yes…but I think you throw a little harder then a three year old."**

**"Not really….."**

**"When you were finished every kid there had a black eye…." Rose said butting in.**

**"Wow, nice job Emmett." Bella snickered.**

"Blocks!" Emmett yelled as he ran over to play with the wooden blocks.

"Mrs. Keith, Barney stole my blocks." One of the little boys yelled.

"Wow Albert, Barney really? You have some imagination." The teacher said not yet seeing Emmett.

"What are you talking about Mrs. Keith Barney's right hear? Can't you see him?" Albert asked.

"Albert, how many times do we have to go threw this, only you can see your imaginary friends." She said sweeping the floor still not seeing Emmett.

"But...he's not imaginary." The little boy argued.

"Yah, Barney's real!" Emmett yelled.

"OH MY GOD!" The teacher yelled finally seeing Emmett.

"Boys and girls, lets all practice that safety drill again!" She yelled.

"The one for strangers?" Albert asked.

"Yes, that one." Mrs. Keith answered.

"Aright, everyone in the closet!" Albert yelled…..What the Hell kind of safety drill is this?

"Wow, yes everyone will be really safe if they hide in there", Rose laughed

**"Umm….knowing him he's probably at the bail bonds man right now." Emmett answered. "If I have to go to jail can I get one of those orange jump suites?' Emmett asked.**

**"Um…sure."**

**"Can it be orange?" Emmett asked.**

**"Well actually at this jail we do pink." Charlie answered.**

**"Why?" Emmett asked sadly, he really wanted an orange jump suite.**

**"Because we find that pink is more humiliating." Charlie answered.**

**"Well that's mean Charlie; don't you love your jail birds?" Emmett asked.**

**Umm…not really." Charlie answered.**

**"That hurts Charlie." Emmett said as he went to go change into his pink jump suite….well at least he was out of that Barney costume.**

**"It takes a real man to wear pink, it takes a real man to war pink, it takes a real man to wear pink." Emmett mumbled to himself as he sat down in his jail cell.**

**"Yes it does and you are a real man." The lady on the other side of the cell said.**

"I'm not letting you take another picture now come on; it's time for finger prints." Charlie said leading him to the next room.

"Is this going to hurt?" Emmett asked afraid.

"No…..it's just ink." Charlie said.

"Ink! Oh my God, did you get it from a squid?" Emmett asked.

"Um….no." Charlie said as he took out the ink.

"Are you sure this isn't going to hurt Charlie?" Emmett asked.

"Would I ever hurt you?" Charlie asked.

"Well you did lock me in a cell with a transvestite and made me wear pink, that hurts emotionally." Emmett said.

"Oh Emmett, your such a drama queen." Charlie said as he stuck Emmett's fingers in the ink.

"Excuse me? What's that suppose to mean?" Emmet asked offended. "Are you calling me a transvestite? Is that why you put me in jail with a transvestite?" Emmett accused.

"No, tell you what if it could make you happier I could put you on the other side of the jail where no one is." Charlie said trying to make Emmett sound better.

"Ok." Emmett said as he went to the phone to make his call. He decided to call Edward.


	2. Chapter 2

**READ THE MESSAGE**

_Please tell me if you like it by reviewing. Because i know people have been visiting the story so why don't you review!_

_And again tell me if you want me to put a funny bit in so we can share it with the world! Please review!_

_Most of this chapter is from the brilliant story and here is the link to it .net/s/5252355/1/We_should_have_just_played_bored_games_

*Grace*

**"Well lets get on with this, I'll go get the scissors." Edward said going over to the bush.**

**"Why the hell is everything in the bush?" Bella asked upset.**

**"Not everything's in the bush Bella, there are also things in the tree." Emmett answered.**

**"Oh you people have problems!" Bella yelled.**

**"We have problems, you're the one screaming." Jasper answered.**

**"Oh shut up." Bella answered.**

"Ok, I think I'm doing this right." Jacob said as he took a piece of tin foil and rapped in around Rose's hair.

"Um…not bad, except for the fact that you're supposed to put the hair dye on the hair and not the tin foil", Alice said.

"Oh damn now I have to take all these things out?" Jacob asked. "All that hard work for nothing", he said sadly.

"Jacob….you only put in three." Bella said.

"Oh shut up Bella, like you can do better." Jacob said as he whipped his hands on her shirt.

"Hey!" Bella yelled…..her white shirt was a rainbow mess.

"Oh please Bella, get over it that shirt was hideous!" Alice said.

"Thanks for sticking up for me Alice." Bella said whipping her shirt.

"No problem."

"I was being sarcastic." Bella answered.

"Well then you weren't doing a good job." Alice answered.

**Alice was hyperventilating in the corner after she heard her dare…she was more afraid of Wal-Mart then small children were afraid of Emmett….and that was a lot.**

**"I can't do this! I can't do this! I can't do this!" She yelled as everyone started to stare.**

**"Oh look at the time, I guess we should leave you hear now…" Emmett said as they all started making there way to the exit.**

**"NO! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HEAR I'LL DIE I SWEAR I'LL JUST DIE!" Alice said grabbing onto Emmett's leg like a small child who didn't want to go to school.**

**"Alice get off, you're making a scene." Rosalie said.**

**"I'm making a scene, have you seen your head lately!" Alice yelled desperately trying to put this off.**

**"I know, it's horrible." Rose said glaring at Jake.**

**"Oh shut up, you know I did an awesome job, your just jealous!" Jacob yelled.**

**"Are you blind dog? This looks absolutely horrible!" Rose yelled.**

**"Yah…it looks like an alien unicorn pooped on your head." Emmett said…everyone turned to stare at him…...**

**"What is wrong with him?" Some random guy asked as he walked past them.**

**"Yah, we don't know…" Edward said sadly.**

**"Hey, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me!" Emmett screamed at the man.**

**"God be quite Emmett, you don't need to end up in jail again!" Jasper yelled.**

**"Hey, speaking of jail look over there." Jacob said pointing to transvestite who was drinking coffee.**

**"Oh my God, she's after me!" Emmett yelled as he his behind Alice…..yah not the best hiding place.**

**The man lady waved. "We have to get put of hear!" Emmett said as everyone ran out.**

"Are you ok?" She asked a little afraid…Alice was acting like a complete psychopath.

"Do I look ok? I'm tied to a poll in Wal-Mart and ewe I think Bella owns that shirt." Alice said still trying to break free….she would have gotten out already but she didn't want to destroy the shirts…even at Wal-Mart they have a you break it you buy it policy…..and she really didn't want to take these hideous shirts home.

"How did you even get tied hear?" The lady asked as she started untying Alice form the pole.

"My idiot boyfriend." Alice mumbled.

"Uh tied to a pole, been there done that." The transvestite said as she walked by. "Just be happy you're not being assaulted."

"Ok ewe, did not need to know about your experiences." Alice said trying to block that picture out of her head.

"NOW GO AWAY YOU CRAZY! Alice yelled.

**"How long have I been in hear anyway?' She asked herself. "Ewe, only ten minutes! This is going to be the longest three hours ever!" she yelled. "What am I suppose to do now that I'm hear anyway?" Alice asked herself.**

**"Well…I guess I could walk around, right Alice?" She said to herself.**

**"Yah I guess so Alice."**

**"Hey Alice did your husband lock you in hear too?"**

**"He did well wow we have so much in common Alice."**

**"I love your outfit by the way Alice."**

**"Oh thanks you too, it's gorgeous."**

**"Wait a second…..OMG I'm talking to myself maybe that lady was right, maybe I am on crack!" She yelled. "Wait…I think I would know if I was on crack, am I on crack Alice?" She asked herself.**

**"No, I don't think so." Alice said answering herself.**

**"Oh thank God! Wait a second…..I'm doing it again!" Alice yelled.**

**"Alice shut up!" She yelled at herself.**

**"No you shut up, I was talking first!"**

**"Will one of you shut up already, people are looking at us." Alice yelled at herself.**

**"Oh great now there's three of me!" Alice said fake passing out on the floor.**

**"Oh my God ewe, this floor is nasty!" she said getting up, she had dirt all over her hands.**

**"Oh will you two just make up already!" Alice yelled "Fine…."**

**"Now hug!" She demanded herself. "I said hug!"**

No one was there so she decided to sing the washing your hands song. "Oh you've got to scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub, rub, rub, rub, scrub, rub, scrub; oh you've got to scrub, rub, scrub until your hands are clean." Alice sang.

People were standing in the doorways staring at her, they really had to go to the bathroom but they were way too afraid to enter….

"Come on in are you afraid?" Alice said to the girls. All they could do was shake there heads yes.

"Oh you people disgust me, you're all so mean!" Alice said as she walked out of the bathroom.

"God those girls sure looked like men." Alice mumbled to herself as she walked out of the bathroom… "OMG I was in the wrong freaking bathroom!" she yell whispered.

"I have to hide before people find out and think I'm crazy"….yah like they didn't already.

'But where do I hide?' she thought.

"Oh I know, behind the plants!" Alice said going into the green room…..seconds later the sprinkler system came on.

"Oh this day just keeps getting worse and worse!" Alice cried as she ran back into the main part of the store, this time over to the woman and health product aisle.

**"Hey Alice so you didn't die?" Bella asked.**

**"Oh shut up Bella, your shirts made of ho dog!" Alice yelled.**

**"What the hell?"**

**"She must really be loony."**

**"We left her in too long!"**

**"No, I'm serious, cheek the tag." Alice said….when she did it was true.**

**"Oh My God that's weird."**

**"Hey Bells maybe Jake only like you cause you smell like food." Edward laughed.**

**"Oh shut up you gay Volvo loving loser, the only reason you like her is for her sent." Jacob yelled.**

**"Gay Volvo loving loser?"**

**"Don't ask…**

**"Alice why the hell are you wearing a Dora the explorer tee shirt?" Jasper asked.**

**"B- b- b- because they- they- they- ma- ma- made me shop in the ch- chil- children's section!" Alice cried.**

**Everyone burst into laughter.**

**"Well you are small….**

**"This is so not funny!" Alice yelled.**

**"Yes it is..." Jasper said.**

**"I wouldn't be laughing too hard jasper, your next!" Alice smiled evilly.**

**"Hey, where's Emmett?"**

**"He was afraid to come back….."**

"What happens if I don't do the dare?" Jasper asked.

"Um…if one of the guys doesn't do his dare all the other guys have to…spend an hour shopping at the mall with me, and if the girls don't do there's….they have…take there tops off." Alice said in compromise.

"Hey, I didn't sign up for that!" Bella yelled.

"No, but I did." Jake said, Bella sneered at him, while Edward tried to stop reading Jake's disturbingly perverted mind.

"Oh would you stop it with the thoughts!" Edward yelled.

"You don't have to look in my head!" Jacob yelled standing up.

"Boys please, not another fight." Rose said getting in between them.

"Shut up peacock, I can handle this." Jacob said pushing her aside.

"Does it really look that horrible?" Rose asked.

"Yes." Everyone said in unison….Well except Jake…he didn't want to admit he did a horrible job.

**"First let's do you makeup." Alice said leaning over him, he could have sworn the character on her shirt was laughing at him.**

**"Stupid evil Dora the Explorer." Jasper mumbled…why the hell was she even still wearing that shirt?**

**"Jasper are you talking to inanimate objects again?" Alice asked.**

**"Maybe…." Jasper mumbled.**

**"I swear your getting as bad as Jacob, first that clock and now a tee shirt." Alice said as she started applying eye shadow.**

**"I told you I thought it was a real dog….and I swear that shirt was smiling at me." Jasper said. "Ouch, that hurts what the hell are you doing trying to poke my eye out?" Jasper asked as Alice applied the black eye liner.**

**"And why so much black? Do you think I'm emo or something?" Jasper asked.**

**"I always have." Alice muttered, oh and by the way that dog you thought you saw was a rock." Alice said as she went back to the makeup table to get lip gloss.**

**The rest of the family was listening from down stairs. "Jasper I said stop licking it!" Alice yelled.**

**"But it tastes so good."**

**"I don't care if it tastes like cotton candy I said leave your lip gloss alone, and don't rub your eyes you're going to ruin your makeup! Oh God you see what you did now your mascara is running!" Alice yelled.**

**"So glad I'm not in his position." Jacob muttered.**

**"Alice is turning Jazz into jasmine." Rose snickered.**

"Ouch….stop…..no! Please…..it was just a dare! I'm sorry please stop hitting me with the lamp…..Lady you may be a black belt but I don't think that's such a great idea if you're pregnant! Oh I hate Karate! Please don't hurt me I'm Doctor Cullen's son!" Just then everyone stopped.

"Oh so this is that Edward boy he's always talking about." One lady said.

"No…his other son." Jasper said.

"Oh, you mean Emmett?' The lady asked.

"No, Jasper."

"He's never mentioned a Jasper."

"This is a fraud girls! If Dr. Cullen had three sons he would have said something, he loves talking about his children."

"Yah, he even talks about that Bella girl and that Jacob boy." The lady said.

"What the hell? He talks about Jacob and not me?"

Before he could say anything else they ladies started beating him again…..Luckily his family came in time…

"Ladies please stop!" Carlisle said as he ran into the room.

"Oh so this is your son, were so sorry, it's just you've never mentioned a Jasper." Kerry said.

"Yah…why haven't you mentioned a Jasper?" Jasper asked.

"Um….." Carlisle started.

"Truth or dare!" Jasper yelled.

"But-"

"I said truth or dare!"

"Oh God." Carlisle said hitting himself on the head God knows what Jasper could be thinking…


	3. Chapter 3

**"Jacob you're a bright student I'm sure you'll think of something." Bella said with a smile.**

**Edward snickered. "Something funny? Would you like to share it with the class?" Bella asked.**

**"Nothing Miss Swan." Edward said looking down at his paper.**

**"Oh really?" She asked.**

**"Well….I just thought it was funny how you thought Jacob was a bright student." Edward said.**

**"Miss Swan!" Jacob called out.**

**"Oh what is it now?" She asked getting annoyed with all the questions.**

**"Can I write two poems, there is more then one person I despise in this group." Jake said glaring at Edward.**

**"Ooh despise, that's a big word for you mutt, I'm impressed." Edward laughed.**

**"That's it, you two in the corner." Bella yelled.**

**"Bella, no need to discourage you but we cant go into the corner…were outside." Edward pointed out.**

**"Well it that case you go face that tree and you go face that one." Bella said pointing to trees on opposite sides of the forest.**

**"Fine." Jacob and Edward said in unison as they got up. Emmett couldn't help it, he burst out into laughter.**

**"Would you care to share what it is that's so funny?" Bella asked Emmett with her big ruler trying to look intimidating.**

**"Edward's in the corner!" Emmett laughed.**

**Bella couldn't take it anymore, "That's it you go in that corner over there!" Bella yelled pointing to yet another tree.**

**"Fine….."Emmett said as he slowly got up.**

**"Faster!" Bella said about to hit him with her oversized ruler.**

**"Ok fine I'm going just please don't hit me with the ruler!" Emmett yelled.**

**"Then I suggest you hurry it up." Bella yelled.**

I can not believe I was put in a damn corner! This was all Edward's fault…..and why the hell was I even writing this poem? Why is everyone listening to Bella anyway? I don't know but I better start writing before she yells at me again. Now what the hell rhymes with Blondie?

Let's see, _Blondie you are such a bitch that if you dress up for Halloween like a witch people would be like, where's your costume?_

Hey, this is actually starting to come out pretty good if I do say so myself…..though then again I did think I did her hair nice and everyone else thought it looked like crap so…my opinion means nothing….anyway lets see what else I've got. _You constantly nag and brag I don't know how anyone could love you._ Hey, that rhymed too, I'm starting to like poetry.

_You say I'm the dog but who's the one who keeps barking? _Ok well that part didn't really rhyme but hey, it's true…..

_I may smell like a tree but you smell like dog pee and the sickening sweetness of a flower. _Well part of that is true…..

_You hate but you've got to appreciate cause I'm cool and, when I come threw you mouth floods like a pool, cause I'm hot and your not and you know you want me that's why you just drool_**.** There we go, now that's the most amazing poem every, yeah me I did such a good job.

**(Edward's point of view)**

I laughed when I heard what Jacob was writing, such an idiot, he wouldn't know good poetry if it bit him on the butt. Now let's get back to my poem. _Jacob, Jacob, Jacob, how shall I start, well I can tell you this I want to hit you with a tranquilizer dart. _Yes, that's a very nice start, truthful yet it rhymes…..anyway back to writing.

_I want to crush you and smash you until you are dead, because all you ever think about is my Bella in bed. _Hey, that rhymed again, oh yah I rule!

Ok that's really good, lets keep it going….._Bella is mine, no matter how much you beg or whine you will never win, cause I have her heart and you are a sin. _Um hum that's so the truth...lets keep it going. _I know you'll never understand but I want you out of hear, vamoose goon, why don't you go join a band. Sing your little love song but while you are remember this Bella and I are long gone and you will slowly die in an abyss._

Ok, that's long enough; I've got this one in the bag.

**(Rose)**

Well let's se what can I say about that retched dog? I might have a few things…._Dog you suck and you think you can fuck but you don't have a girl, no one wants you. _Ooh, very nice start.

_You say people drool but you need to go die in a pool…actually maybe an ocean, I'll push you._ Damn right I will.

_You drive me insane, and you think I'm so vain but you don't know me…_He really doesn't know me….._I am so cool I rule which brings me back to saying, weren't you going to go die in a pool? You should get to that, don't worry I'll drown you…._

_You say that I'm blond but that's all you ever say, and for your information I'm not blond, no not today…._

_Why you ask…well you should know you cut my hair and it looks like a fro…no people with a fro look better then me my hair looks so horrible I hate you! _I wrote so hard I ripped a hole in the paper. …

**(Alice)**

_Now Jasper you are my mate and I love you…but you tied me up in Wal-Mart which makes me want to kill you, so this I why I'm writing this to you_. I wrote. Ok now that I've got that down might as well start this thing. I thought…

_I was, locked in Wal-Mart, trapped because of you. There was absolutely nothing to do. You tied me to a wall which makes me apaul not only you but this whole family too, you're all dodo,_ Oh yah, I can rhyme, this is coming out so nicely!

**(Emmett)**

Who am I suppose to write about? Well Edward annoys the hell out of me so how about him….._Edward you annoy the hell out of me!_

Well that's pretty self explanatory; I think I'm finished….

**(Jasper)**

Who should I write about? Oh I know my horrid father who never talks about me, let's make this poem about him. I thought as I began to write.

_Carlisle you say you're my father. If you're such a great father then why not talk about me? I thought you loved me ? _Hey this doesn't rhyme…..oh whatever…..rhyming is for happy people…I'm not special enough to rhyme. It's all cause my daddy doesn't love me! )=

**"Ok let's see one for Edward." Bella said giving him the paper.**

**"Who hates me?" Edward asked glaring at Jacob.**

**"Don't look at me I wrote about Blondie." Jacob defended himself.**

**"Then who….Emmett!" Edward yelled looking at the paper.**

**"Um hum." Emmet said confidently.**

**"What the hell did I ever do to you?" Edward asked.**

**"I don't know why don't you read and find out." Emmett said.**

**"Ok, dear Edward, I hate you because you annoy the hell out of me explanation point explanation point explanation point…..Emmett why does this go on for four pages?" Edward asked.**

**"Because I felt that was necessary, and that's not all I wrote, go to the end of page four." Emmett smiled.**

**"P.S. you also suck because you don't let me call you Eddie." Edward read. "Wow, that was some poem Emmett." Edward said sarcastically.**

**"Thank you."**

**"Ok next up lets see, there are three for Jacob." Bella said handing him the papers.**

**"Oh joy, I feel so loved." Jacob said taking his papers.**

**"Let's see, Edward, Rose, and…..Seth….What the hell man!"**

**"Well….."**

**"I thought you loved me." Jacob said.**

**"Hey, don't blame me you almost killed me tonight." Seth defended himself.**

**"Yah, only because you sold me out! Oh you know what I don't even care, I might as well just read these damn things….now what does Blondie think of me?" He asked as he read.**

**"Um Bella." Jake said as he stopped reading.**

**"Is she allowed to curse in this?" Jacob asked.**

He could hear Emmett's thoughts about playing with the puppy and taking care of it and sighed. "Emmett, think about it, if you got too rough with the puppy you might accidentally kill it. You would really be upset then.

Some one will give the puppy a good home. Okay?" he asked hoping to get his brother's mind off the puppy. They pulled into the driveway moments later and headed to the back with the flowers.

There was no sign of his mother or sisters…yet.

"I wouldn't eat Jazzward! Just like you wouldn't eat that human you stalk!" Emmett laughed a little "What was her name? Ooh! Beella~~! You smell sooo goood! I could bite you! Who cares about biology when you sit next to mee! Let's start anatomy!" Emmett teased Edward until he forgot about the puppy.

"Emmett I didn't say you would eat the puppy I said you'd end up playing too rough with it. Shut up about Bella, Emmett," Edward growled. He put the flowers down by the scruffy looking garden and went inside to look for a trowel.

"Whatever, you are just a 100 year old virgin..." Emmett sighed heavily at the garden, "Damn...maybe I should ask Jazz for help"

I took a quick shower and threw on a plain white t-shirt and some jeans. I passed Alice's room and saw she was still asleep. I crept into her room and stood next to her bed very silently. All of a sudden I banged on her wall and yelled, "FIRE! FIRE! GET OUT OF BED! FIRE!" Just for the fun of it. Alice jumped out of bed screaming and ran downstairs. I followed her, laughing. She kept on running, right out of the front door. I followed, laughing so hard I knew that Esme could hear me in the kitchen, making breakfast. Alice was still screaming when I got outside. When she saw me laughing, her face turned red. "There's no… somebody…it…you?" She stammered. I nodded. I could see her getting angry and she stomped right up to me and got in my face. "EDWARD ANTHONY CULLEN! YOU HAD BETTER BE GLAD THAT WE DON'T HAVE ANY NEIGHBORS! IF WE DID YOU WOULD BE SOOO DEAD RIGHT NOW!


	4. Chapter 4

**All this amazing writing is extracted from the fan fiction "Cullens at Camp" you should definitely read it. Please review because I know you are visiting this story. *Grace**

**While we were in the water, one boy dunked another under the water. The next thing I knew, Emmett had dunked me under the water and was holding me there. A couple of minutes later, he let me back up.**

**"Emmett, what the hell was that?" I asked.**

**"I was trying to drown you," Emmett said proudly.**

**"Emmett, trying to drown me is as pointless as trying to drown a fish. I don't need oxygen."**

**"Oh yeah. Wait! You can't drown a fish? That's why Bella's fish lived for so long."**

**Wow.**

"Good," said Caitlin, "I guess we're done here. You can all go back to your cabins now."

We started to leave, and then Emmett yelled, "Wait! I didn't get a job!"

"If you don't have a job, you can just walk around and supervise. You know, keep the kids out of trouble."

"Can I chase butterflies?"

"No," Caitlin said, looking slightly disturbed.

"But I wanna chase butterflies."

"But you can't," Caitlin explained.

"I WANNA CHASE BUTTERFLIES!" Emmett screamed.

"Okay, fine."

"Thank you."

Later

I didn't have a job, so I just walked around and supervised the campers. I had just broken up an argument between two kids when something hard hit me and knocked me to the ground. I looked up to see Emmett running across the beach, yelling, "Here butter butter butterfly!"

Emmett was chasing butterflies, totally oblivious to the scene on the beach. Classic Emmett.

"Hey, come back here!" he yelled, "You're so pretty! You wanna be friends?"

Well, that's kind of disturbing. A guy who's at least 50 years old, maybe 75 is chasing butterflies because he things 'they're pretty.' I'm scared.

Come here. Okay, almost got you. 1, 2, 3, jump! Ha! Oh, wait. I missed. It's okay, Emmett. Just try again. 1, 2, 3, . . . shoot. Stupid butterfly.

"Come back, butterfly! We can be friends!"

The butterfly didn't come back. Ooh! That butterfly is even prettier! I'm gonna chase that one instead!

"Hello, butterfly!"

It flew away.

"Hey! Don't worry, I'm not gonna hurt you! I just wanna be friends!"

It didn't come back. It just kept flying away from me. I started to dry-sob, and then I heard a voice. "Emmett, are you alright?"

Oh my God. The butterfly just talked to me. Am I going crazy? Next, I'm gonna hear voices, and then I'll have to go to a mental institution and then . . .

"Emmett!"

Hmmm. That butterfly sounds suspiciously like Jasper. It's a Jasperfly!

"Yo, Emmett! Are you in there?" the Jasperfly asked, knocking on my head. Wow, I didn't know butterflies, well, Jasperflies, could hit that hard.

I turned around to see Jasper standing behind me. "Oh, Jasper! I thought you were a Jasperfly!"

"What the hell is a Jasperfly?"

"Well, you see," I explained, "I was chasing a butterfly, and then you talked, but I though the butterfly was talking. It sounded like you, so I thought it was a Jasperfly, but it was really just you."

"Oh. . . well . . . that's . . . um . . . actually kind of disturbing."

"It is not. So, what did you want? This had better be important. You interrupted my conversation with the Jasperfly."

"Emmett, there's no such thing as a Jasperfly."

"Lalalalalalalalalala! I can't hear you!" I screamed. Stupid non-believer.

"Emmett, you need to stop chasing butterflies or Jasperflies or Edwardflies or whatever."

"Don't be silly, Jasper. There's no such thing as an Edwardfly."

"No, seriously, Emmett," he said. "You have to stop."

"Why?" I asked.

"Alice had a vision of Erika calling the mental institution on you."

"Why?"

He looked at me like it was obvious. "Emmett, guys your age don't go around chasing butterflies."

"It was a Jasperfly." I corrected him.

"Okay then, they don't chase Jasperflies."

**(I had to put the whole thing up it hilarious )**

**"Nessie, pulling pranks is a serious offense. You need to learn how to behave so you can become a nice young lady." Emmett Told me.**

**I stared at him. Did those words just come out of Uncle Emmett's mouth? How could he have said something that made sense? He still thinks 2 + 2 = 22.**

**"What?" he asked when he saw me staring.**

Emmett started to sing, "Frosty, the snowman . . ."

"Shut up, Emmett." Nessie told me.

"That wasn't me. That was Billy-Bob. Now, apologize to Billy-Bob."

"I am not apologizing to a rock."

"APOLOGIZE TO BILLY-BOB!" Emmett screamed.

"Wait," Victoria interrupted. "Who's Billy-Bob?"

"Emmett's rock," Nessie explained.

_**Emmett POV**_

**Finally! Lunch time. I'm starving! Wait . . . I don't need to eat, yet I'm starving. How does that make sense? Oh well, who cares? If I'm starving, I'm starving, whether I can eat or not.**

**Lunch was sandwiches. We would either have peanut butter or cheese, and since I'm lactose intolerant, I chose peanut butter.**

**"Emmett, that makes no sense," Edward told me, after reading my mind.**

**"Yes it does."**

**"In what world?"**

**"The real world."**

**"But it makes no sense!" he insisted.**

**"Yes it does. What happens when I drink milk?"**

**"Emmett, you can't drink milk. You're a vampire."**

**"Exactly! I can't drink milk, I'm lactose intolerant. I told you it makes sense."**

**"In a twisted way."**

**Please review and look at my other story. Please. PLEASE REVIEW.**


	5. Chapter 5

_Please review with what you think of this fan fiction and any stories that are funny that we could put on here. By what my traffic looks like there are quite a lot of people viewing this story so if you review it would just make me happy and also you could visit my other story tooo! Please PLEASE_

_*Grace_

_This chapter is mainly imported from the amazing story __.net/s/3671463/4/The_Cullens_Moments_of_Randomness__ all credits go to the author_

**Before they could start arguing, I cut in. "No, no. What I've signed you all up for is something you will all enjoy. I've signed you up for ch-"**

**"YESSS! WHOOO! I LOVE IT! YESS" ****Emmet stood up and started to happy dance.**

**"Emmet, he hasn't even said it yet." Alice whispered. Emmet looked around and sat back down. If he could blush, he would be redder than a ripe tomato.**

**"...as I was saying I signed you up for the cheerleading squad!" I said excitedly. Alice jumped four feet in the air and squealed in delight. Every one stayed in their seat, their mouths hanging open. I glanced at Bella. She was swaying back and fourth and suddenly fainted. Edward immediately started to spaz out.**

**"Bella! No Bella it will be alright. Emmet! Get me a cup of water!" Emmet ran to the kitchen, only to return with a huge bucket.**

**"Edward, I couldn't figure out how to turn on the faucet so I found a bucket of cranberry juice instead." He started to swing the bucket back to splash it on to Bella.**

**"No Emmet! Red stains white-" Too late. Emmet splashed the cranberry juice on Bella. Not only did it stain Bella's white sweater, it stained the white sofa, walls, and carpet.**

**"EMMET YOU IDIOT!" ****Edward screamed. ****"WHEN ESME FINDS OUT-" ****Just them Esme walked in the room with a duster in her hand.**

Edward retorted back, "Emmet, I wouldn't shout to loud. Who knows what might happen to Super Diva Barbie? " Emmet turned even paler as laughter erupted through the gym.

"Uhhhh... I don't care. She means nothing to me." Emmet said as he folded his arms accross his chest.

"Or do you..." Edward smiled evily as he pulled a barbie doll out of his oversised pockets. He pinched it's rubber head until it looked like a pinheaded alien.

Emmet stuck his bottom lip out a shouted, "DON'T! YOU'RE HURTING HER!" Everone started laughing even louder. Emmet lunged for Edward but Edward ran out of the way.

"Emmet, I'd be carefull. One more time and Barbie's head might just 'fall' off."Edward said cooly.

Coach Adeer walked in at that moment. Emmet's face was scrunched up, as if he was crying. "Is there something wrong here boys?" Coach Adeer said. Emmet ran up to her and fell to his knees.

"Please stop that bad man! He took my Barbie! I want her baacckkkkkk!" Emmet sobbed. He buried his face in his hands and started to 'cry'.

"Coach Adeer, I'm very sorry this happened. It was all part of a silly dare. Emmets only _pretending _to love this Barbie. I'm very sorry for this disturbance so I will just throw this Barbie in the garbage." Edward said with a smirk on his face. Coach Adeer nodded with a confused look on her face.

Emmet fell to the ground and started to pund his fists on the floor. "IT IS MY DOLLY! IT'S NOT A DARE! I WANT HER BACK! WHAAAAA!" He curled up in a ball and started to rock back and forth. Coach Adeer started to say something but Edward quickly interupted.

"You see, Coach Adeer, if Emmet admitted this was a dare, his hair would be died pink. Thats why he's putting on such a show. I really hope you understand. Now 'Ill just get rid of this junk." Edward started to walk over to the trash can.

This was so funny. I was laughing so hard that my sides hurt. I know I should feel bad for Emmet 'crying' and all, but it was just so funny to see the most muscular and manly 'person' in the school, throwing a fit over one little Barbie doll.

When Edward was about to throw the doll into the trash can Emmet screamed, "**NOOOOO! SHE IS MY DOLL! I SWEAR! I PROMISE! I LOVE THAT DOLL! DON'T REMOVE HE FROM MY LIFE! I WILL HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR!"**

Edward narrowed his eyes and said, "Now you've gone to far." The world seemed to go in slow motion for a minute.

There wasn't a sond coming from the gym. I heard Emmett screaming, "NOOOOOO!" as he leaped for the barblie doll.

Edward's hand onece again started to slowly tug and the barbie'd head. It came off with a loud _pop! _that echoed through the gym. Emmett fell just short of the trash can.

A gasp ran through the audience at this dramatic moment. Edward dropped the mutated barbie infront of Emmett and cooley walked back to his seat.

**"BELLA!" I screamed. "Bella, it's ok. SOMEONE GET ME A GLASS OF WATER!"**

**"I'll get it!" Emmet said. He dashed off to the kitchen, only to return with a big, grey bucket.**

**"That had better not be cranberry juice." I warned.**

**He shook his head furiously and said, "It's **_**definitely **_**not cranberry juice. I made sure." He swung the bucket back and splashed it all over Bella and I. It dripped off us and landed onto the white couch. But this foul smelling liquid was not water. I may not be an expert in food, but I know the difference between water and-**

**Bella woke with a start. I hugged her tightly and wiped the putrid liquid off her face. She smiled and licked her lips. "Is this **_**grape juice**_**?" She asked.**

**At that moment, Esme walked in. She took one look at the mess and screamed, "****EMMET!"**

**These extracts now are from .net/s/4692450/2/Truth_or_Dare_a_day_with_the_Cullens**

**So credits to author**

We all filed into the car. In a few minutes, we arrived at Mrs. Cope's house. As we hid in the bushes, Emmet glared at Alice, who smiled sweetly at him. He then took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Mrs. Cope opened it while holding her bathrobe tight.

"Emmet Cullen? What are you doing here?" Emmet flashed Mrs. Cope a smile and she was instantly dazzled.

"Good morning, Mrs. Cope. I was wondering if you had a cup of sugar I could borrow, my mom needs some."

Emmet's sexy voice worked. Mrs. Cope's jaw dropped open, her eyes roamed Emmet's bare chest and she threw her bathrobe to the floor. Underneath it was a set of red French lingerie.

"I see, Emmet. Come inside and I'll see what I can do for you" She said, dragging poor Emmet inside.

Alice tiptoed towards the window, but at that moment Mrs. Cope closed the blinds. There was nothing to do but wait.

**Sorry for short update but please review it may help although I am going on holiday for 5 weeks so might not always ahave access to computers**

**Anywat PLEASE REVIEW**


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